The Work pt.2

So, life is at home.

Everything I’m doing and my driving force is rooted in creating a home for Roman. All of the things I had been taught before I became a mom have become secondary now. Honestly, I kinda feel like I was bamboozled. A woman can have it all. A woman’s career is as important as her womanhood, her motherhood. I understand we all feel differently about these things but to me that is laughable. There is nothing as valuable as the creating of a soft home. A present mother. A woman yielded to her feminine. Men have an equally important role in this.

The masculine cultivates the feminine. Provides the space for it to rest, to prosper, to plant and grow and create. As someone who is playing both roles in my life right now, I have come to have a deep love and appreciation for men who step into their masculinity. Not out of a need for control but out of honor. Out of love. It is a challenging time to lead with that, so much doubt has been cast on the roles at play. If you are a man who has learned to cultivate leadership in a healthy way, I honor you. In a time of loose definitions and backward notions, I think it is incredibly sexy to know who you are and walk it out against the current.

People always find it surprising that I am so traditional. Maybe it’s the tattoos and edgy sense of humor, but people don’t expect me to be so invested in the biblical precedent around family. I believe the right format looks different for everyone, but for me, a home rooted in scripture is more valuable than the modern takes on home life. After becoming a mother, even more so.

I’ve talked about this calling to ministry. How I want to help women who are figuring out how to step into motherhood, create family and community and support around them. God has been bringing women into my life to teach me how to walk this out. I spoke about the first woman in pt.1. How it set me down a path.

A couple weeks ago a close friend called me. She was pregnant. It was unexpected and an incredibly difficult situation. She had recently been divorced and had only just started seeing the guy, he lived in a different country. She had her own child to think of. I sat with her daily and prayed and encouraged her. This next part is going to be controversial and if you are reading this, I want you to know, I wouldn’t change anything about how I walked this out.

She was considering terminating the pregnancy, much like the first woman I met. She couldn’t see how it would work. She would have to upend her life and move to a new country for a man she barely knew or stare down the barrel of being a single mom to a toddler and a newborn. She couldn't get the pieces to fit. I told her what I truly believe: when the situation is too big for us, that is where God steps in. That He can do more with our lives than we can imagine. That He has a plan for her life. That life is never a mistake.

I also had to face myself in this situation. If this is the work I want to do, I have to learn to hold this too with open hands. I can’t council the woman I work with to create some outcome. I have to be honest and genuine and walk it out with them, whatever they choose. At the end of the day, it is their choice. And I am going to love them unconditionally no matter what.

After sitting in her own meditation practice, she decided to schedule the abortion. She flew into California and got a hotel in Laguna. The father of the baby decided to fly in. My friend told me she was going to spend a few days with him and see how she felt, that she wasn't sure she could follow through with the appointment.

I met him, the dad. He was kind enough and seemed to genuinely care but there were some red flags. It’s funny how we can’t hide ourselves. It’s little moments that betray our inner worlds and there was something about him that was ungrounded, that made me uneasy.

My friend asked me to drive her to the clinic. There’s a cost that comes with this work. It hurt me. Weighed on me. There was a part of myself that didn't want to be this close to it all. Especially in the context of my own son. Of the different decision I made in that context. But the reality is, there is always a cost to the mother, whatever she chooses to do. No woman comes out of a situation like this unscathed. And despite the heaviness of it all, it is my honor to share in the cost. As Roosevelt put it, to actually be in the arena.

I picked her up afterward and took her to Chic Fil A. Held space for her as she worked through the decision.

My friend said something that stuck with me as I consider this work, “if it had been a different father, I think I would have kept the baby.”

We put so much on the women in these situations. That they’ve been careless or selfish or irresponsible. We rarely talk about the men, their carelessness or their selfishness. This friend isn’t the first friend of mine to have an abortion. All of them had their own reasons in making that decision but one thing is true for all of them, they didn’t trust that the father could hold them through the process. That they would be on their own in it or worse, be tied to a man who was unhealthy for the rest of their lives.

Fatherhood is sacred. It plays a key role in everything. As I grow more into this role, I see that doing this work on my own is incomplete. The necessity to have community and guidance and support for the father is equally as vital as the support for the mother.

I’m not sure what it all looks like. I know there are many Christians who will be appalled that I am choosing to walk out this work whether the woman chooses life or not. That I’m not here for some desired outcome but to be the person I so desperately needed when I was pregnant with my son. That I will love and support the women I work with unconditionally, the way God has loved me unconditionally.

Another woman has been brought into my life who is at a similar crossroads. I am going to continue to pray and do this work in the background as God guides my life one day at a time. I am also going to hold the men in my life so close to my heart and continue to pray on the deep seated worth of fatherhood in this work. The need for men to have community and guidance in order to step into their masculine and support the woman’s transition into motherhood.

I don’t know. It’s all connected somehow. I have faith. That’s all for now.